Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
