I just saw a hot homeless man
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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