It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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