If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
