How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Randomize
