I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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