now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My breath smells like gin and sadness
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
