She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
