I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
