I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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