then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
