Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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