During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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