you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
