Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
