Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
