ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Come on in and take your pants off
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