Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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