i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
