sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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