my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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