Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
