Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
