I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
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I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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