hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
