My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
