textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
