I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
