If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
