First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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