I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
