The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
