Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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