MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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