just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
