oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
