I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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