I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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