I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
