I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
