Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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