I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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