I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
