its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
