I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
