Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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