last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
