My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
