k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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