I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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