Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
