nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
