I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
