I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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