i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
