Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
