I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
