I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
