sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
