And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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