the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
