my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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